In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:


1. Problems are bad.

You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems suck. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.


2. It's important to stay happy.

Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.


3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past.

Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage."  Now it appears we can all affect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go.
痛苦的事情总会留下疤痕,的确是这样,但它们也会随着时间淡去。神经解剖学家Jill Bolte Taylor因中风失忆了,她把这称为失去了“37年的情感包袱。” 其实不需要中风,我们也能经历类似的情感转变。你现在正在做的事情——怀疑以往的想法——已经足够你把过去那些事都翻篇了。比如,找一件曾让你困扰的事情,再想想三个原因来证明这种想法也许是错的。你的大脑就会忘记这个困扰。


4. It matters what people think of me.

"But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, and homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.
“如果我失败了,人们就会看不起我了!”你也许会这样想。这种想法只会造成失望、自杀和杀人,这是我在网上看到对自己不实的诽谤时体会到的。我把这些和一个朋友倾诉,她说“你现在是因为幻想别人对你的看法而感到痛苦。” 是的,我的怨恨都来自于我的假设,我假想别人会对我做出一些评价。多可笑!现在试想一下,你将要做的事与别人怎么想你完全无关。学会了吗?很好,一直保持下去吧。 


5. The pretty girls get all the good stuff.

Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.


6. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.

Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.


7. Loss is terrible.

Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, and pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses are damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home. 

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